I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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