My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
