What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
