I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
