I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
