I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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