Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
