I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
