how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
