I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
