i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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