im six kinds of drunk right now
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We got so high we made milksteak
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
