Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
