Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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