too bad you live with your parents still
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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