Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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