I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
