he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
