I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
