Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
