sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
