I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
