so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
