Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
