just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
