he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
