what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
