just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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