Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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