A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's like iHOP with fire
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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