I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
