She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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