the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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