Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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