highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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