..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I did not marry a roomba.
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