i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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