True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
