new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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