this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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