drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
