Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
