Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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