her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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