I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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