I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
