I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
