mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
