he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
