So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
