I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
